Who He Says I Am
Let me tell you the story of every week of my life:
"Bless me Father for I have sinned, it has been..."
A month? Two weeks? One week??
"...it has been one week since my last confession."
I will hold my breath and wait for the priest to sigh with exasperation, or say "you again?". Shortly after, the lies will begin to whisper in my ears. 'Seriously Eleanor? Are you that weak? You can't even go a week without messing up. You haven't been able to fix your issues after months, do you really think it's ever going to happen?'
But a voice will interrupt these aggressive voices, and say "Thank you for coming to confession. In doing so, you are taking the steps to become a stronger daughter of God." Immediately, I will have peace. I will be able to breathe freely once more. A few minutes later, I will walk out of that little room more determined to kick any vices or bad habits to the curb.
That is the story of my week. But it wasn't always this way. As you can see, there are still lies that creep to the surface, and these were the lies that ruled my life for so many years. These were the lies I fed myself to justify my wrongdoings. For years, I had built my primary identity on the title "sinner". Every time I messed up, I would blame it on my character. Every time I felt that God was distant, I would justify the feeling with the fact that I was a sinner. I was never good enough to be known by the Father, and I was okay with that because that was who I was. I was just a sinner who could not stop messing things up. So why even bother trying to make things right with God? I'm just going to commit the same mistake. God must be tired of forgiving me, I know I would be if someone kept hurting me and then apologizing, but not doing any better. I believed that I should just not ask God for forgiveness, and then bottle it all up, and go to confession once I can't take it anymore.
But you see, confession is meant to provide you with the Grace to overcome whatever it is you're struggling with. So by not going to confession, I found myself sinking deeper, and cementing sin as part of my central identity.
Luckily, "God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it" (1 Corinthians 10 :13). For me, the way out was an unusually short confession line up on a Sunday morning combined with the Holy Spirit planting the desire of reconciliation in my heart. It was nothing big, it was the same script with the exception of an extended monologue on my part due to how long I had neglected to come to confession. But this time, the words really impacted me. "Thank you for coming to confession. In doing so, you are taking the steps to become a stronger daughter of God."
A daughter of God. A daughter of the King. THIS is my true identity. Not a student, not a sinner, but a daughter of the King. For too long I had been building my life and identity on poor soil and lies when the truth about who I am was always there. It always will be. I am His, I was His, and I always will be His. That fact will never change, despite all the times I may make mistakes or fall into temptation. I am loved beyond the constraints of this world, beyond anything that I may do. Nothing can change the fact the I am a child of Christ, and nothing will ever change His love for me.
So hello, my name is Eleanor Wong. I'm imperfect, but more importantly, I am a daughter of the King.